glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
