You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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