Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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