Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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