My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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