I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
