even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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