It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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