her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
