You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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