This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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