sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
