I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
