Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
