Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
