I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
