Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
