i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
