the condom got lost in my hair
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
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