White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
