I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
