when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
