I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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