At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
