i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
