be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
