i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
