i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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