I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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