She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
