I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
