Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
