On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
