You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
