i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
