I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.