those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.