My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The Easter sex puns were too abundant