I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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