Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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