There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
