I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
