"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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