Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
