I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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