you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You made out with two different species that night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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