Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
