Dual....:-)
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
