so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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