apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
