Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
