My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars