Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.