i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
