I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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