By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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