So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
