First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think your dad took our porno
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
