i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
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Of course I have a pirate flag
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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