I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
