just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told you penises don't tan
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.