FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy