I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
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She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
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ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.