cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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