There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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