next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
