Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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